never not broken

I write this blog with a specific goal, but without a clear path to get there; like those things I fully understand as long as I never look them square on…

Lifetimes ago, I discovered a blog post that introduced me to the Hindu goddess Akhilandeshvari, she who is never not broken. A piece of me has been dedicated to her ever since.

I have self-identified as broken/damaged for nearly my entire adulthood. What I’ve not done is consider myself unable to grow or affect change in my life due to being broken.

When I met Akhilandeshvari, I realized that I had access to my power while broken. Perhaps more so than when whole. My power lies in re-invention, re-creation.

But I don’t ever feel whole, or healed, in the new configuration, even if higher functioning. In the context of this blog, I often wander to the idea that my brokeness comes from fragments of me falling off, sliding into splinter worlds, quantum realities where other-mes take different paths. Like the threads of the Fates were never severed as dead parts of me fell away, dragging me down in my life, a tangled parachute threatening to split me fully to pieces.

I am unsure about the notion that wholeness is possible in such a situation, so I no longer wait for wholeness to improve the conditions of my life. “Don’t let perfect get in the way of better.”

Through the metaphor of endless quantum worlds, I look for signs to whether I am shedding waste and dead stuff, or breaking off a critical pieces of myself.

It is a lifelong process.