I am not okay today. I have no idea why, really, but it’s been following me all weekend. Does anyone remember Avatar Depression Syndrome? All these people felt lost in our world because they longed for a better place, a better environment. And my only response was “Only just now?” We watched the series finale …
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my loss of self, on national coming out day
Three years ago, I posted the following to social media: My sophomore year of college, in Cincinnati, I went to a party down the street from my apartment. I don’t remember who invited me or how I knew about it, but I remember the young man. He was the first man to ever flirt with …
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never not broken
I write this blog with a specific goal, but without a clear path to get there; like those things I fully understand as long as I never look them square on… Lifetimes ago, I discovered a blog post that introduced me to the Hindu goddess Akhilandeshvari, she who is never not broken. A piece of …
an impending splinter
For the most part, I have used this blog to pine about versions of myself shedded off as I navigate my path through the world. This morning, I’m using it to long for a missing me that hasn’t yet left: my man of leisure, my retired homebody. You see, this pandemic has brought a huge …
my old skin horse
My Old Skin Horse is not a quantum divergence like other selves I have mentioned in these posts. He is quite entangled with the bits of me holding to this core reality. For any that don’t know the reference, the Skin Horse is the oldest and wisest toy from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. …
my inner grease monkey
Today, I am focused on one particular quantum split. When I was a kid, my dad maintained the family vechiles himself: mechanical issues, body work, paint touch-up. He welded, airbrushed, bondo-ed and sanded everything we had that needed it. More than a few times, I was invited to help him in the garage. Until the …
my out and proud big-ass gay
Sometimes in my life, I don’t realize how much I’ve missed something until that thing has returned into my life. This can include my own behaviors or activities, social events, people, places… I’ve recently discovered exactly how much I’ve been missing the out-and-proud gay man that I had always been. I started coming out, at …
my suicidal teen
My nineteen year old self was suicidal in thought. He didn’t engage directly in obvious self-harm, but he dreamt a lot about driving off bridges in that beast of a car, his hand-me-down 1978 Mercury Cougar… That fact didn’t interfere too much with his life, surprisingly, which was mostly just college course work and the …
my lost queen
My preteen self: I know it was preteen since I broke the six foot mark shortly after turning thirteen, passing my father then and my mother at least a year previous, which is important to note. My sisters (both in high school) had drama club and sports practice, which got me an exquisite two hours …
my quantum brain
I often think back to critical choices in my life, those big choices that clear new paths, shift my trajectory, alter the fabric of my concept of self, and think on the splinters created in those moments. Where did the other option take me. How me is that me? Did I still land in this …
quantum man 