the breaking off a fragment

I have spent most of my adult life mourning bits of me as they were broken off and left behind on the trail of my life.

Eventually, I learned from She-who-is-never-not-broken that I can find my power here, in these broken moments.

Today is a different sort of shattering apart: my heart is cracking to pieces. And I am inconsolable…

This is Tiger:

He entered my life with my husband, stealing my heart with his snaggle-toothed grin and his peculiar personality.

Today, he is leaving us, and he is taking my heart with him. At least, a decent sized chunk. I’m here, watching his labored breathing that showed up unannounced, doing what I can to provide comfort, and letting my husband rest while we wait for our appointment.

It has been a long stretch of years since my last lost dog. I’m still mourning Frisbee, the best damned terrier-mutt to ever live, but her life was full and ended at home while I was away, so it’s been a low, slow, steady heartbreak balanced on the edge of memories. A slow trickle of the tiniest of shards breaking loose over the many years past.

But Tiger… Tiger is right here: darting eyes slowing down and endlessly wagging tail now still. His fast, short breaths suggest the hidden struggle as we wait for our appointment.

He will get to take with him one of the best parts of me: my heart, my love. My returned joy of a dog in my life.

We will bury him in our garden, which I worked so hard to fence in so he could join us, without a leash, under the shade of the mulberry trees. Now, we’ll be able to join him there and catch glimpses of ourselves reflected in the shards of us he gathered as he filled our lives with riches unimagined.