I am not okay today.
I have no idea why, really, but it’s been following me all weekend.
Does anyone remember Avatar Depression Syndrome? All these people felt lost in our world because they longed for a better place, a better environment.
And my only response was “Only just now?”
We watched the series finale of Schitt$ Creek and I was wrecked by all of it. I tried garden work Sunday and dragged my feet through all of it, barely accomplishing anything. Our fall beds suffered from lack of watering by the time I managed to drag out the hose.
I’ll get by. I’ll move past it, but…
I am not okay today.
I don’t think I’m coming out of this pandemic as an extrovert, which was maybe creeping away from me for awhile now. I’ve never been accused of introversion in my life, but see it on the horizon.
I really don’t have extra energy. I almost don’t have energy, and my job requires practically everything I have. And this adds to my sadness. All this time off and away this summer left me wanting more life and less work. I am getting angry at myself for the choices that led me onto such a physically demanding job path.
I currently have three day weekends thanks to COVID cutbacks and I am barely recharged by Monday evening. And, just…
I really don’t think I’m okay.
I’ve got no brilliant quantum-split lost-self tie-in for this blog, but this is my dark, serious blog. So, here I am. Not okay, and not really sure why or what to do with it.
The world is a lie, what it wants from us is, simply, everything. And every time I leave this precious bubble that my husband and I have created, it takes something from me and at this point, it leaves little behind but anger and sadness.
And the understanding that at the end of the day: I am not okay.
But, I’m still here, and, right now, that’s about all I have…
quantum man 
I remember when I was in my mid-40’s and began to realize I couldn’t keep up the pace I was at. I didn’t realize my hips were disintegrating but knew walking too much hurt. And
My partner kept trying to get walking, thinking he was helping me “be more active.”
At some point, I looked at my body, my age, and what I was expecting to accomplish each day and realized I had to slow down. Personally, I felt relieved that I didn’t have to burn myself out each day. I began telling myself, “You’re not 25 anymore. Slow and steady…”
These days, I plan one or two things a day. Every so often I spend an entire day or afternoon baking, but it’s rarer now.
It his last year has been a hard one and I think the lead-up to the election is causing tension as well. I think your situation is understandable, given these factors, how hard your job is physically, and the work the garden takes to maintain.
Take some time out. Be kind to yourself. Eat ice cream and take a nap. Take a long relaxing drive through the fall colors. Give it until after the election. Rest. You’re worth it.
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I just want to crawl through the screen and give you a hug. It’s ok to not be ok. I think so many of us have been just getting through every day and are now reaching the point that we realize this is no longer crisis management, it’s a total change. The polarization of the country makes it even harder- so much negativity everywhere. Give yourself permission to not accomplish everything and do what you need to in order to get through. Sometimes accomplishing the bare minimum is a huge accomplishment. Hugs ❤️
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