I often think back to critical choices in my life, those big choices that clear new paths, shift my trajectory, alter the fabric of my concept of self, and think on the splinters created in those moments. Where did the other option take me. How me is that me? Did I still land in this city? Get this home? Find my husband?
I like to refer to my quantum brain. The nexus of all of my variant lives, my divergent selves. Short glances sideways catching shadows of a parallel me nested in an alternative choice, looking back at me, sharing a thought, casting a wink, pooling common knowledge with all the other mes.
In the best, most brilliant moments, I walk alongside myself down two choices at the same splinter point. I phase into each reality, each world, each me, sharing the one quantum brain. In the shadows of early morning with the hazy fog of sleep in my eyes, the bleary shadows of my dark living room aid in these phantom shifts.
In my weaker, exhausted moments when the world shatters and my life rips asunder, I weep with the thought that I may not have saved enough of myself to survive. Why can’t I manage my work and keep my home tidy? Because the best housekeeper me never left Phoenix. Or he died in a car wreck that one late drive from college because he couldn’t manage to shake himself awake. All of those moments of creative brilliance that I didn’t invest time to pursue? Are they all wasted? Did any one of me succeed where I lost interest?
Most importantly: how do I find myself in this life when I have left so much of myself cast off along the way? This is the task I put to my quantum brain. This is the challenge of my later life. I have been the Goddess Akhilandeshvari, ripping myself to pieces, living in my power as I shatter, except I dropped my pieces along the way. I now lay in so many Osiris pieces, betrayed by my own treachery. I seek to transform to the mighty Kite of Isis and soar across the lands to gather my dropped, rent pieces so I may lie among my selves and be reborn whole, no longer ripping scraps off at every turn, each decision.
Welcome to the nexus of my quantum brain.
quantum man 